Just One Minute
Balanced Fare: We Report, You Deride

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Blogging: Unto the Next Generation

We have an ongoing effort to uncover hot new writing talent. Today, we feel a bit like Dorothy, when we discover there's no place like home. My seventh grade daughter had an intriguing homework assignment - imagine yourself as a newspaper editorialist in 1776. You are solidly behind the newly-announced "Declaration of Independence" - what do you write? And no help from the 'rents.

Go, MinuteKid!

The Patriots Declare Freedom from the British

Fellow patriots, a great thing has happened today. The lousy scum bags who call themselves Englishmen received our Declaration of Independence. They claim that their unfair taxes were fair, the liars, and that we are using them. Ha! As if! They had it coming. Not giving us our rights and freedom, not allowing us a representative in parliament, levering huge taxes on us. Yet they are still under the false illusion that we did something wrong. They refuse to see that they are in the wrong. They used us, not the other way around. They used us to get more land, more money, and to make themselves feel more powerful.

Well my friends, today they realize the truth: we are free and independent. And if anyone tries to tell us otherwise than we will show them, we are as powerful as any other country in the world. We have been stupid to wait so long to declare our independence. So if they think that they can use us like that then they are even stupider than has previously been proven. Thanks to our legislature we are free from stupid, manipulative England. So patriots, if you truly love your county then you will join your local militia or the minute man teams to help prepare for the coming war.

OK, let freedom ring! But wait! It's the old switcheroo! Now she has to put herself in the place of a London editorialist back in 1776. Well, creative backpedaling is a hallmark of this site. Let's see if she can tap-dance like the old man.

Crazy Colonists Announce Independence

Earlier today the King of our fair country received word that the american colonists have written a document called the declaration of independence. This document claims that the colonists were mistreated by our wise, all knowing king! The lazy, good-for-nothing colonists claim that we are over reacting about their "civilized" Boston tea party, and that we are putting unfair taxes on them to pay for our war. What war? We fought it for them. Why should we, honest, respectable citizens of England, pay for a war fought for them? They used us. They used us to get our land, food, money, support and protection. Then they turn around and say that we are bad people who mis treat them. They are all criminals, every one of them.

Our king has a right to tax them if he needs to. It is, after all, his land that they are living on. They took advantage of us and I hope that the king will do something about it. If he lets them become independent then it is a scandal. They will think that they've won! Our poor king, so honest and hardworking, its a miracle that he hasn't gotten rid of them before now. Those lousy colonists will rue the day they lost us as allies.

Good news. The future of this site is secure for another seventy years. Well, good news for me, anyway.

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