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Balanced Fare: We Report, You Deride

Saturday, March 22, 2003



My Stint On Madison Avenue

I am very excited about me chance to work with an ad agency to help promote the new Hummer. Just look at that photo - can't you feel the power, see the testosterone, smell the crushed earth beneath your wheels as you blast by and through once-living vegetation? I know I can.

So I am hoping to help on a campaign to talk up some key aspects of the latest toy for boys.

Let me first set the scene, since I am picturing a TV spot. Our star is young, energetic, handsome and outdoorsy - sort of a "Marlboro Man", but with functional lungs. Maybe John Edwards is available.

He is standing next to his Hummer in a scenic forest setting when a bevy of beauties approach, seeking assistance. Perhaps the Swedish Bikini Team is lost in the woods? That sort of thing, anyway.

And our ever-so-manly hero delivers the BIG LINE:

"I let Detroit sell me a Hummer, so I may have an itty-bitty brain, but hey, ladies - [pointing to the vehicle] come check out the size of my equipment."

Too subtle? Maybe the close will reinforce the message:

"Hummer - ride it anywhere."

OK, for the second spot, we are going to address the environmental puzzle raised by a huge machine with tiny gas mileage. This time our he-man is parked at the beach, admiring a posse of..., uhh, lets go back to a bevy of bikini-clad beauties. Some dweeby type wonders, in a voiceover, whether a "car" that gets 10 Miles Per Gallon makes any sense at all.

John Edwards then reassures us:

"In my world, buddy, "MPG" stands for "Miles Per Girl". And take it from me, pal, with my new Hummer, the figures are looking good."

This is delivered while he leers at yet another hot chick, in case someone is not sure what kind of "figures" he is thinking about.

And, the tag line:

"Hummer - Go all the way anywhere."

With any luck, Martha Burke will object to the ghastly sterotyping, Tiger Woods will arrive at Augusta in a Hummer, and the free publicity will be endless. This plan is still in development, of course. Wish me luck!


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